Since I always seem to write when I'm down - thought I'd write on a good day!!

I'm on the uphill of my rollercoaster ride -- like I said I feel like I'm bipolar at times though I don't think I'd be diagnosed with it -- but today is one of the high days - the I can conquer the world days.

I knew as soon as I woke up today - and I've managed to clean my house and stay in a good mood which is so opposite of my angry day yesterday --- where everything I tried to do - my physical/health issues got in the way.

So now I have the sad/depressed day, the angry day and the extremely high energy/happy day.  The hardest part for me is I know that on the other end of this type of day is the crash and be sad day - I know it is a cycle now - but of course it isn't science where I can predict when and how long --- I just have to go along for the ride and enjoy it while it lasts.

I took out all my CD's and have been playing a song, maybe two - from each one as usually that is all I like on a CD - and I got all mine before the invention of the MP3 player and such - so I have to manually put one cd in at a time ---- my son told me to make up a play list and then down load it to an MP3 --- I kinda laughed - since really I'm not very tech savvy - and kind of end up playing the songs as they draw me in - in a sense.

It's sunny here today which is always uplifting - but it's a fooler since the temp outside is probably in the low 30's - definitely not cabin weather.

I would love to dance but hmmmm my incision is kind of letting me know "no" -- as are my children who walk by and shake there head or roll their eyes --- guess I'm not a candidate for "so you think you can dance!"   but that's okay - cuz in my head and heart I'm dancing up a storm!

I just need to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can --- and try to harness it for those nasty depressing I can't stand myself days!

Kind of reminds me back when when I could have a good ol Margaritta, an Amaretto Sour, a Colorado Bulldog, or a Long Island Tea ---- back when I could have a drink and enjoy the light "headed" care free feeling I'd get from just one drink (yes I'm a light weight!!!)  - granted I'm sure the social atmosphere contributed to that happy feeling - with friends, listening to some phenomenal music, in wonderful room full of pleasant ambiance and the drink allowed my inhibitions to lighten a tad and I could just relax and enjoy and not feel my "surgeries" or the heart flipping I get now :(

I'm not a big drinker and never was - so I don't know why I would miss that - maybe just how life has changed so much - maybe because I'm in my 40's now - who knows?

But this energy I have today almost brings me there to that feeling - that maybe, just maybe in a year I will have some of "me" back.

It has been so freeing to not feel the aneurysm in my abdomen anymore - though it's been replaced with plenty of scars and scar tissue and my body looks like a S as the muscle below my left rib cage sticks out like a soar thumb --- not like I'm gonna walk around in a bikini in my 40's but the option would have been nice ---- if only in my mind right?

So, you'd swear I had drank a pot of caffeinated coffee - the way my mind is cruising - but I think it's just a natural high on life - this very moment in time --- and it's nice for a change - instead of the reality of healing.

So, again - I thank you all for being out there --- and just wanted you to know that I'm not always doom gloomy and down --- This is the real me - not the aneurysm me!  I'm hoping for more of this type of "me" days to come!!!

Love ya all though we've never formally physically met!!!

Cher