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Aortic dissection, aortic aneurysm - The aorta - Life after an aortic dissection
Having a tough day today emotionally.
I feel like I'm bipolar with emotions since my surgery in July. I can go and go and go for several days - feeling confident and sane for the most part, and then a day like today comes and strikes me out of nowhere. Maybe it's the full moon, or the wind down from Christmas and New Year's - I just don't know. For 2 nights I've had angry/frustrated dreams and then my whole day felt like I could cry without any provocation. I keep just swallowing hard and push back the tears by keeping myself busy as I don't want my family to be all worried - especially my kids.
When I respond to anyone's entries here on this site - I'm totally honest and believe what I say as I speak from my gut. But then I have a day like today - and I know what I truly believe deep down inside, but I can't seem to convince myself in the now - this moment in time. So I get emotional and frustrated because I feel emotional.
My biggest frustration right now is that I have always taken care of myself physically wise - didn't smoke, ate decently, exercised regularly, only drank socially once in a while, and the list goes on - so I'm frustrated that it seems like no matter how good I take care of myself - I have this condition and residual effects that keep popping up here and there either from my surgeries or from the AD/Aneurysm itself.
I believe that this is my Life Path - and that I'm supposed to work through all of this, so I talk to myself regularly about not having it get the best of me, but then I have a day like today, and it's like a huge wall just landed in front of me, and I have no strength to climb it.
I 'm sure there are alot of people out there that feel this way - especially anyone with health issues or with family struggles - so I know I'm not alone.
I feel sad at the loss of who I was, who I could have been, and who I always thought I'd be.
But I'm also thankful for being alive, being able to walk and think and be a part of my children's lives.
It's a teeter totter moment by moment.
And on top of not being in control of my own life, I am disappointed in our world in general. I do believe people are good at the core. I just don't get why we as humans haven't evolved further than where we are at (just how people treat animals and children and others is enough to make me want to slap everyone upside the head and yell "grow up - really") - but I have my own faults too so I shouldn't judge.
Since my surgeries - life just looks different to me - and I don't know if that's a plus or a negative. Sometimes it would be nice to just coast through life and not care ---- but deep down inside I know that that isn't true for me. I just wish that we could reach that realization without the major challenges.
I just want to be healthy and I don't know how to do it since every turn I take I hit a barrier -- for example - being on the Warfarin - having to limit my "greens" intake because of the Vitamin K issue and not being able to take fish oil or Krill Oil and limiting the use of the good oils like Olive oil and Canola Oil - and the list goes on. Not being able to "exercise" beyond basic walking and so forth due to my physical limitations.
I'm hoping for a happier day tomorrow --- starting with more uplifting dreams tonight.
I'm thankful for all of you here - just wish this wasn't how we had to meet,
Cher
Views: 157
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by lisa kamp on -
Cheryl, as a surviving spouse I can say you too are going through a grief process. One of the many things I've learned is we grieve not just over a death but for the loss of what could have been, the whys... The loss of what we consider a normal, healthy life has a huge emotional impact - wanting to understand that brought me to this site. I can say you will have emotionally happier days with the caveat there is no time table for coping with grief. Allow yourself to have these days. The grief process truly is a roller coaster ride (very, very true) but for every down turn there is also an upward trend and eventually you'll find your coaster has pretty much flattened out. Hang in there!
Lisa
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Permalink Reply by Harry on
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Hi Cher,
I totally sympathise with you & understand where you’re coming from. I have similar days & imagine, like most of us, what life could / should have been!
Over the last few days I have struggled with stamina, up & down, never constant. Each day is different, each day I face the challenges our condition brings. I am resting now, after my walk, & am angry at myself for not being able walk as far as I did last week – why can’t I?
Since the AD I have changed my perspective on life, much to my wife’s & other annoyance. I say things as I see them & that gets me into allot of trouble. I should be more diplomatic, be more tactful, but I see life as too short.
Yesterday I had my work OHS review & had to travel into London, what a nightmare! I have never been so stressed & all mainly down to public transport. I want to go back to work, but I can’t do my old job, so what’s left for me, some admin role no doubt – OK it’s a job but my career is effectively on hold or worse over.
I wondered today on my walk about life expectancy, as this year I am 50, & wondered would I have another year, 3 or 4 or even more – who knows!
Like you I hate what going on in the world & my wife tells me to stop cursing & swearing at the telly when the news of other topical programs are on. What is going on with the world, or more likely what is going on within me?
I am stressed & it’s down to this dam condition.
What if I were normal would all this be the same or would I be someone totally different
What If indeed…..
Take care
Harry
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Permalink Reply by Richard Deal on -
this picture sums up my views on our evolutionary path, and will hopefully cheer you up a little.
our conditions are a bit like having big ears or ginger hair... no matter what we do we will never be able to wear a baseball cap without looking like yoda or be taken seriously anywhere other than scotland - so we just have to accept what we have and get on with it. i know that this is definitely not a helpful observation, especially in your current fragile state, but i think it is perhaps the most valuable thing i have said on here up until now.
i am lucky in one respect because i don't have anyone that i share the condition with on a daily basis (although this is my biggest issue with myself). i can make massive changes to my psyche, spend 3 days at home in a sulk and nobody is any the wiser. you have the added pressure of your kids and the man you love who depend on you daily so you never really get any downtime to grieve for yourself.
i still grieve for myself how i was, but cannot cry over it any longer - i am totally on empty. i need to use other means of initiating grief - for example, i watched the film 50/50 the other night and wailed like a muslim woman at a suicide bombing when the lead was wheeled off to surgery and said goodbye to his parents. i have to let go of myself in order to get the really deep emotion out, and god knows what my neighbours must think, but i feel tremendously better afterwards. i used the guilt i feel for the pain i put my parents through to release the pent up grief that i can no longer vent for myself. i guess you need somewhere you can go when you just want to let it all out that is out of earshot of the kids, or your hubby and where you can just collapse in on yourself and weep like a baby until that smile floats back on top of the inner darkness that you are wailing out.
keep on fighting, and remember if you need anything we are here for you!
r
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Permalink Reply by Graeme on -
Richard.. hmmmm..gr8 cartoon. It really does say it all. Blunt - and VERY effective.. Might need to just tone it back a bit old mate :-) as have not got an 'R Rated' section set up on the site - yet :-)
Yes.. I understand TOTALLY how Cheryl and Harry feel.. I love the band 'Rage against the Machine' - probably because it comes closest to what I feel at times... and hey - Harry - commuting to London - any day - let alone in the middle of a grey soulless winter January day - is as bad as me having to call BT help line and spend 2 hours of GOBSMACKING HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE RAGE as I talk to some absolute cretin in a far off hot country that just does NOT get the problem...(HINT HINT BT!)
So yes... like you all - l sometimes wonder about the whatifs...but by driving myself hard without much time to pause and reflect I guess i just sort of gloss over it..I figure if I run hard enough I don't have time to examine the minatae of 'me - that might have been' ..Oh. We ARE all here for a purpose. Believe it. And although you might not think it noble enough - it is. Family. Friends. Mates. Lovers. Our Wife. Our Husband. Mums and Dads. Our Kids. We are all heroes to them. Oh. And of course a glass of really good red wine! That in itself is to me a very noble exuse! Enough said!cheers all
Graeme
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Permalink Reply by Harry on
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Graeme,
they way its going i may just end up working in a call centre! Moving them abroad was the worst thing ever, but hey who built the empire.
I suppose its whinge day.........
rgds
Harry
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Permalink Reply by Julia Holley on -
Hi everyone, I sympathise and have just had a really bad moment myself. A great huge lump of information has fallen from my memory and I know its going to take some doing to retrieve it. This is always happening to me now since my surgery. I have always had a photographic memory and still have - until it just wipes out. It makes me feel really vulnerable. As for the dreams I have them too (every night) but over the time since my demise I have learnt to live in them and now I know its a dream and I can get up to the loo and then continue with the dream if I want. I wonder if this comes from the drugs we are given to keep us in a coma after surgery. Anyone know?
I love this forum as its the only place I feel able to express myself and talk about all the bizarre things that happen inside my head.
You are never alone with this forum. Thank you all for being there.
Julia
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Permalink Reply by Kimberlee Jones on -
Everyone else has already said what I wanted to say, so.....
***HUGS**** and more *HUGS*.....because sometimes that is all we need.
*hugs*
Kimberlee
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Permalink Reply by Elaine Howlin on
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Hi Cher
I can relate completely to the way you feel. On my down days I find that I constantly think of my youngest brother who died during surgery in 2007 of the this condition.On my good days I think constantly of my other brother who is a 15 year survivor of the surgery and condition. Fortunately at the moment the good days outweigh the bad days and sometimes I can think myself positive if that makes sense.
With reference to the warfarin I too hate having to limit my intake of "greens" but at least we can still eat them.I cheat a little as being a nurse I have my own monitoring equipment and if I eat too many I adjust my warfarin dose to compensate naughty naughty. I don't suggest you mess around with the dosage but just think that we all find ways of dealing with things.
I get angry that I also kept myself fit and healthy but I still have the condition. The only positive I have found in that respect is that if you had led an unhealthy existence you most definitely would not have survived. I spoke too the doctor in my hospital who was on call when I collapsed and I tried to thank him for his prompt action which helped to save my life but he immediately stopped me and said that it was my own strength and character that got me through and nothing he had done. I think of his comments when I am feeling down and it helps.
Keep thinking positive Cheryl and the good days will become more frequent. Think of those out there who have not yet found this support group!!!
Thinking of you
Elaine
xxxxx
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Permalink Reply by Jim Sanquedolce on -
Cheryl everyone has said a lot here so far, a lot of good information to be absorbed.. I Havent been on the site much of late But Had an ascending aortic in October 2009 spent a month in Yale New Haven (about 100k east of New York and 150 k from downtown Boston I guess? Thirteen Months later , I had a popilteal bipass surgery on the right knee On Feb 13th I will be seeing MY Vascular for an Annual Followup on the popilteal and on the 14th (of all days) I will be seeing the head OF Yales Aortic Program, I recently had a "stress echo" to see how fit I was/am and they stated the repair looks great but there is some bulging past the repair... My Thoracic surgeon is no longer there so My Vascular surgeon is the only one who's experianced my chest... interesting week coming up... You feeling s of depression May be partly medication partly as you said the slap you feel that your not perfectly healthy wonderful and awesome anymore,, spent and broken goods ...lol My doctors related to me that pretty muchanyone who gets opened up gets the feeling and depression that comes with it,, I went though some pretty heavy stuff myself last week and it took a 30 + year freind to get me at least treading water.... :) sometimes I find doing more clinical web sites is helpful other times I pop into one of the many facebook zipper clubs etc, of just totally stay out of them and find something else Naturally I have a bit more time to be messing around :)
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